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05/2022
May has arrived and with it the day of my 37th Birthday, my first birthday in England in 7 whole years! I had a sense of feeling overwhelmed this year a feeling that I usually get around birthdays but never like this. As I delved into why I may be feeling as such I decided it is because so much has happened since my last birthday which I spent in Shanghai with my sister, brother in law and close friends over an amazing fun filled weekend (Silk sonic – ‘Leave the door open’ was the theme song!) This year I feel a sense of vulnerability. I think from me revealing a lot of very personal stuff that has been happening in my life (My PTSD diagnosis etc) I became worried that the day could become too overwhelming for me.
2022 also brought with it the 3rd anniversary of my book ‘Compathy’ (I had released it on my birthday pre -pandemic) and I had the idea to combine my birthday celebrations with an event to celebrate its anniversary. I had been wanting to throw a Sip & Paint party for a few years and decided this would be the perfect occasion to do so. I asked my sister’s best friend Shea to paint a piece based on my poem ‘Mountains’, my favourite poem I wrote about living with Anxiety. I decided I would create a Well-being environment at the venue, I printed poster sized versions of some of my Affirmation cards, placed scented candles everywhere, had affirmation cards on the tables, provided an uplifting music playlist, had interactive posters where people could write their own tips on dealing with anxiety etc.
The day before the event I was extremely nervous, so much so I didn’t want to attend I had anxious feelings about having to make speeches and people not enjoying the event, I was caught in a web of self-doubt. The day of the event arrived and it was a mad rush to set up the venue to how I had imagined it but I found myself (through the stress and pressure) being able to be mindful with how I was speaking to people who were helping me, making sure I was constantly thanking those helping and treating them with respect. This is a skill that previously alluded me and I could notice the change and growth I’d made.
The event started and the moment had come to do a brief introduction, instantly all my nerves disappeared, the room was filled with love and such a positive energy that I became relaxed and it allowed me to truly enjoy the experience. Close friends and family that had never met mingled and chatted and I got many comments from staff at the venue that there was such a positive vibe in the air and that “they had never seen a room of such smiley people”. A success. I was so happy I could finally properly celebrate this book, the book that I honestly think saved my life. I feel like my style of creativity can be individual, I don’t do spoken word etc so it was a nice change to share my art in person but to also witness other’s creating their own art using mine as inspiration especially with so many in attendance being anxious about their creative abilities. I had the best time and it was all worth it.
04/2022
“So what’s your plan?”, “What are you doing now?”, “What’s next?”
All very innocent sounding questions but can be received differently depending on who is asking them and their honest intent. At this point after releasing my poem PTSD along with a letter detailing being abused a few years ago on to my social media platforms I made it very clear that I’m currently in my healing period. I have worked none stop since I was 16 over three different continents as well as pursing my postgraduate in Child, Adolescent and Family Mental Health and obviously my creative outputs. A boy been working!
Understandably people could just be curious after such a move (moving continents isn’t easy). I actually did have a quote on quote ‘plan’ and that was to stay in China to pay for my studies to be a Counsellor and to also work back the savings I used to survive in a Covid affected Beijing in 2020. However as we all know the pandemic had different plans for all of us and although I tried to push forward my time in China was over, it was time.
This long winded introduction brings me to the fact of shouldn’t we be asking people if they’re genuinely happy? Shouldn’t these be the kinds of questions we spring on people? Someone’s ‘plan’ is a very personal factor in their life which should be discussed in safe spaces not used as a verbal surprise attack. But maybe this is just my anxiety speaking.
Going back to intent I have been asked ‘the plan’ question by different people and some have genuine interest as to what I will do next as I have never had fear of change nor uncertainty and I feel for some people who know me that intrigues them. On the other side of the fence I have been asked this question in some very disparaging ways. Recently at a family function a lady I barely know and have not seen since I was a teenager asked me the same question and made a facial gesture to show her distain to what I had said with a flippant “good luck” for added affect. Boundaries people, boundaries. This situation greatly upset me because I did nothing, said nothing which is out of character for me. I have mused on this for a week and the conclusion I have come to is the fact of that I struggle to understand her intent, obviously it was to belittle me but to what gain? I have been having discussions with those closest to me and have come to opinion that for some people me being the ‘black sheep’ and not following the traditional path of settling down with a house, in my home town, in the same mundane routine is a threat to what they deem was the ‘right thing to do’. It’s like they want to hear that me coming back to Manchester is a failure and confirms that they chose the right path. The thing is there is no right path what is for you is FOR YOU.
It baffles me that other people are more concerned about my future than I am because I can honestly say and this is said without trying to sound like Donda-era Kanye West my plan is greatness.
Stay tuned.
02/2022
I speak a lot about having healthy boundaries and clearly voicing your needs, wants and concerns to those who you have close relationships with. I find myself saying no more frequently as I know when I could be exposing myself to triggers and/or over exerting myself. However my love language is helping people, especially if they are having struggles with Anxiety and Depression. I have huge amounts of empathy and understanding for people who are in a day to day battle with worry and overwhelming unhappiness and I try to support in any way I can.
This can and has led to me neglecting my own personal struggles and has created a culture within my family and circle of friends where I am the go to person for all things Mental Health. This is a role I perhaps played a part in creating by way of being so open about my own journey with bouts of Anxiety and trauma and being that ever present support system that would drop whatever I was doing if someone was in a bad space, but when is it too much?
The period of 2020/2021 for many people were times of stress at levels they hadn’t felt before, for me I can honestly say they were the worst times I’ve ever experienced. Days where getting out of bed to face every day life felt impossible yet I was still for many friends that go to ‘safe space’ for their stresses and traumas. It was a lot. But I care about those close to me so I sometimes do more than I perhaps should at the detriment of myself.
Towards the end of 2021 I began to feel like some of these friendships weren’t reciprocal and when I finally felt the need to open up, openly ask for help or for a listening ear that same support I freely gave wasn’t provided. I strongly believe in alone time, sitting with your own thoughts is important. Musing about a stressful situation alone before you bring it to other people I feel is beneficial because you understand how you feel about it before you hear other opinions and thoughts. So when friends take time for themselves I strongly support it, however I also value my own personal time so if I have made plans with someone and there is no communication about cancelling it bothers and upsets me. I deal with Anxiety so I need some kind of consistency from those close to me, once or twice is ok but regularly? Unacceptable.
This also applies to my creative output, If I release or simply post something creative on to social media it has been pre-planned. It’s assumed that all creativity is spontaneous which can be true but a lot of the time I plan ahead of time. Recently I have reached out to people about collaborations and set scheduled times to work on projects and… radio silence. This is extremely frustrating because it then affects the whole schedule of how I’m releasing my projects. But still I haven’t been voicing these concerns to people so I have to take some accountability. Accountability for not speaking my own truths is the theme for this coming year.
01/2022
I’ve now been back in the UK for 7 weeks, the first time I’ve lived in the UK for six and a half years and the first time I’ve visited in two and a half. I had my reservations about returning mainly due to the ongoing pandemic but also for a fear of getting stuck here. I’ve never seen myself living in England permanently.
The first week or so back I went under the radar, as incognito as Greta Garbo in her heyday posting content from my last few weeks in China to give the illusion of still being there. I know myself very well and understand the situations which cause me to feel overwhelmed and have created barriers to manoeuvre around them. I slowly contacted close friends who I hadn’t seen and saw a few individually which was difficult with many people having COVID-19 and its variants during these winter months. Connecting with old friends and family was both familiar and warm and alien and isolating. Expat life can have two opposing effects on you as a person and the relationships you build. Some expats create a new version of themselves far removed from who they were previously and in turn create many friendships based off of the persona they have projected. I veered towards going on a journey to truly understand me, my triggers, my boundaries and what I wanted from close relationships vital for survival in expat life.
My honesty and transparency during my time in China meant I made very close friends but also showcased what I always say about myself “I’m not for everybody and everybody isn’t for me”. Boundaries are interesting, some people feel uncomfortable expressing them and would prefer to suffer in silence at the risk of causing offence. During my 20’s I too was very similar, more interested in making other people feel comfortable than voicing my own wants and needs. This is when I knew I had to make a choice – to have uncomfortable conversations or to allow myself to be put into situations which could be potential triggers for my anxiety.
I used to think I had solid boundaries but the last two years I have really, clearly defined what they are and those around me understand their purpose and intrinsic need. Which leads to my return to the UK. Friends and family here feel like because I have spoken to them on the phone or through social media they still have a complete understanding of who I am as a person, the same person from six and a half years ago. This really isn’t the case. Everyone grows and changes this is a given but we all are on different paths with our emotional intelligence and growth. I have put in immense work to completely understand who I am as a person, my interests, my mental well-being and again going back to that over used (but vital) word my boundaries. The last seven weeks I’ve sat and listened to people tell me how well they know me when in actuality they truly only know parts of me and some parts of the old me I left behind at that airport over six years ago.
People close to you think longevity in relationships gives them complete ownership of understanding you as a whole person when in fact a lot of my personal growth and increased emotional intelligence has happened in the last two years. It’s exhausting to be told who you are and never asked, we as people need to listen more.
11/2021
“Oh, but aren’t you scared you’ll receive racism there and what if you wanted to date?”
These were the words some concerned friends and family members spoke when I told them I’d be leaving my expatriate life in Italy and heading to the unfamiliar territory of China’s capital city Beijing. My first year was a maze of confusion, culture shock but mainly excitement, intrigue and a lot of learning, about this country's incredible history, cultures, foods, class system but mostly the learning was happening within.
The first two years despite the general living-in-China stresses were an incredible life changing experience, surprisingly I escaped any direct racism and entered my first relationship in eight years unexpectedly, more fool them I thought. I also had become so inspired that I wrote and released a Poetry book of personal poetry during my time in Beijing, while simultaneously receiving a promotion at work and completing a Postgraduate qualification in Child, Adolescent and Family Mental health, I was thriving.
Then late January 2020 rumblings began of a virus in a city South of Beijing, reactions were mixed with some passing it off as overly dramatized and some Chinese colleges who remember the SARS pandemic struggling to hide the fear in their eyes whilst explaining some of the precautions that were put into place, lockdowns etc (things we are now all too familiar with). It was Chinese New Year my favourite time of the year whilst living in China, the streets are a buzz with excitement, Temple fairs pop up everywhere, Jiaozi (Chinese dumplings) galore, the city turns into a glorious red and gold wonderland exploding with cultural perks which fascinate non-locals enough to try things the rest of the year we perhaps may not. That year? Silence.
A silence so loud I could hear the thudding drum of my heart race as it increased in pace as I made my first foray into the once familiar landscape of my local area. There are over 21 million people living in Beijing, that day I saw two. It felt like a scene out of 28 days later a post-apocalyptic version of my beloved neighbourhood streets. All but my mother told me to come back home to England, she had a feeling it would be safer if I stayed put and she was completely right. Embassies released statements urging for those living in China at the time to return to their home countries and many did, in turn many lost everything – their jobs, apartments, relationships because over night China closed the borders. Many of my close friends I said goodbye to with a quick “See you in two weeks” just before the CNY holiday a year and a half later I still haven’t seen, by the time China allows us to come and go freely (fully vaccinated of course) I wouldn’t have visited my family back home in three years.
Then it began. I was devastated to learn about the attacks on the Asian community around the world and hearing how Chinese people in particular were being ostracised since the pandemic, not my beloved Italy! Manchester, my hometown no! I vented on my social media platforms in support of Chinese people the world over. My mandarin is incredibly weak, but I can get by. Communicating with my neighbours in the morning was always a nice way to start my days and I was always greeted with warmth and kindness (for the most part). This particular morning one neighbour who always greets me with a smile and a cheery “nǐ hǎo” ignored my greetings and after seeing I was occupying the elevator in our apartment complex refused to enter. Odd.
As I left the compound more of the same occurred, local people crossed the street as I approached, grandparents would snatch their grandchildren up and briskly move elsewhere when I was near, a whole bunch of oddness. I texted international friends to see if they had had any similar experiences, they had and some even more intense, one friend had someone scream in terror directly at them and run like their life depended on it, what in the world was going on?
We later found out that Chinese media had been reporting on imported cases in Beijing but what they very conveniently forgot to mention was that these imported cases were from local Beijinger’s returning from overseas studies or work. This began the very overt racism people had warned me about before I started my China journey. I’m a teacher and only teach at international schools yet I had to leave two jobs because the parents didn’t want a black teacher. These were their exact words even though I was one of the most experienced and qualified new hires there, because yes, all international people living in the city at the time were experiencing some degree of discrimination, but it paled in comparison to those of a darker complexion (what’s new here). There were concerns about me giving the children Covid, because I guess the white teachers are immune? Also, the parents had set up a group where they shared photos of me whilst searching my social media accounts and had decided that because once in the summer of 2019, I wore a tank top to a pool party that automatically makes me gay (I am but that’s not the point ha) they definitely didn’t want a black, covid carrying teacher who also is gay teaching their children. All of this, along with personal photos of me, my friends and family were emailed to the school. Obviously, I resigned. This happened again at my next position this time my experience and qualifications were put into debate as well as my place of birth “But England is white”. After a two hour meeting with the principal who at one point commented “I don’t see you as black, you’re chocolate and you’re handsome”. Miss we are done here.
“Nobody believes in me like I do myself”
Leaving so many jobs during a pandemic whilst living in China (Beijing ain’t cheap) I heard soo many whispers about how they couldn’t deal with that uncertainty or sniggers of “another job?” honestly did not affect me. After a conversation with my mother, I said the quote above to which she responded with “Nathan don’t you think we all know this” it’s something I’m extremely proud of because it’s a way of thinking I’ve not always possessed. Living in a country in such unprecedented times where at one point they were refusing people of colour from eating at restaurants, entering supermarkets, traveling etc and receiving messages on dating apps like “Nigga go home” frequently (which is still happening) could very well damage a person’s view of themselves, their race, heritage and their worth. I am not that person, there are things about living in China as a POC that I cannot change or control but when it comes to day to day life and my working environment, you’re going to give me respect and pay me what I’m owed, respectfully.